This entry is raw. No editing, no looking back on previous sentences. I'm most likely saying the same thing over and over, but I don't care. I just wrote how I felt and what I was thinking. It's late and I'm tired.
It’s scary when you love your best friend. It’s terrifying enough being in a relationship, falling in love, and then having that person be your best friend…but starting off friends, then falling in love, and lastly being in a relationship? I think that’s the most terrifying way of them all. It’s comforting, too. You can’t forget comforting. He’s seen me at my best, my worst, my most drunk, my most tired, my bitchiest, my happiest. And yet, he still loves me. ME.
I can’t find myself saying anything other than I love you…and it’s so frustrating because it’s deeper than love, if that’s possible. I trust him. This has never happened with anyone, outside of my family and Christina. EVER. With others, there has always been this sense of “I trust you to this extent” but not him. He has beautiful friends, and I don’t even lose a wink of sleep thinking what he may or may not do with them if we have a fight or go through a bad time. I CARE about him. I care about him more than I care about myself. If he has projects due, I want to stay up all night with him just so he knows he’s not alone and tomorrow might suck but I wanted to be there for you. It’s freezing outside, he works outside. I spend most mornings worrying about if he’s warm, trying to figure out ways to get there and find him and give him hot coffee that wouldn’t be too creepy.
I’m content and comfortable, but it’s not to the point of laziness. I could just sit there on a couch with him and watch movies all day, every day and not get bored. I want to lay in bed with him all day, I want to trace weird patterns on his skin with my fingertips all night. I go to sleep every night with a smile on my face. I wake up every morning with the same goofy smile. I hate sleep, life is better than dreams. Life is FINALLY better than dreams.
It feesl like a part of me, a vital organ, has been missing all of my life and when I'm with him both physically and relationship-wise, I have that organ again and my body is happy and working to full potential. He completes.
Maybe I’ve just been with bad guys. Maybe he’s the one I’m supposed to be with. I don’t know. All I know is that when I say forever, I mean it. It’s not just something I’m supposed to say out of routine, or because he won’t let me leave the car or hang up the phone or to go sleep unless I do. I can honestly see myself at 84 in rocking chairs on a veranda with him.
So, baby, I love you. I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you forever.